There are many things I do not want to do at the moment. Celebrate family birthdays, go out to busy places, spend too much time thinking about what I wear, hold babies, think back to when I was pregnant or be around people who are happy and moving on with their lives. One of the reasons that grief is so tiring is the constant chatter in your mind. I suppose what I feel is that people do have to get back to their old lives and we have to carry this torch forward ourselves. But we are lonely too. Lonely together, if that is possible. Robin has made the first steps, he enjoys the company of his football team mates. He can go to his football and be “normal” again. I don't want to be out with friends, but then I don't want to not be out with friends. It is difficult. I know they will be there for me when I emerge from the chrysalis. But will things have changed? Will they be different with me? Will it ever be ok to laugh again? Will I ever laugh again and really mean it? Do I want to laugh again? It just seems so wrong without my Little Leo. I'm still not convinced that I want to be here. To live in a world without Leo. There is a very thin line between knowing when to give up and when to try harder. The pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live.